Paris Hilton is responsible for almost every satanic deviancy carried out, according to Kelly Osborne:

"Me and mum went to an awards show recently. There was a little girl there and mum said, 'How old are you?' and she said, 'I'm 11'. And she had on a miniskirt, a tank top that barely covered her boobs, or lack thereof, 4in heels and long, bleached-blonde hair. Paris Hilton is who she is. Paris doesn't hold up a sign saying, 'Everybody dress like me', but she is a bad influence."

 Hilton: Kiddies role model with co-star of new home movie

So that proves it! Syphilis really does make you wig out. It happened to Hitler, and now it's happened to Little Miss Put-It-About, Paris Hilton. We can only hope that she misses out on the homicidal psychosis, 'cos that really is a pain.

Anyway, as I was saying. In her dizzy little head, everyone in Europe speaky French, Douglas is a typically Greek name, and London and England are in no way related. And she also can't remember her friends' names. Effing hell, woman, the special needs kids that work in McDonalds can do better than that!

Hilton filming on location for next high class high-budget home video

The revelations came when Paris took the stand in a libel suit against her. Another socialite is pissed off at her because she reckons Paris fed news of their row to a newspaper. A famous Canadian newspaper. One that people read! Aww hell naw. Bitch you betta gimme ma money.

 Church and Girls Aloud having Beef

There's nothing like a good old catfight to while away the hours...Girls Aloud have upped their beef with Charlotte Church in an interview with POP magazine.

"She's got no vocal style," said Nadine. "Anybody can sing songs the way she does. There's nothing special there."

"She want to be taken seriously but she makes a clown of herself," added Cheryl, who is rumoured to be planning an elaborate wedding ceremony involving her Chihuahua leading her down the aisle. "There's a lot of talented people out there who aren't getting in the industry because it's filled with idiots like her."

There's nowt going on in Britain at the moment, 'cept Machivellian politicians engaging in derisible exploits, eleven-year-old girls overdosing on smack and me snarfing down Ben and Jerry's as fast as my pudgy hands will allow. Well, all that's about to change, because my brother and I are about to spawn a new cult, if that's the right word. Well, ok, technically that mofo Alex Tew spawned it; we are merely riding upon his (now) satin-lined coat-tails.

This is because my brother wants to get married, but doesn't have any money, after spending it all on that hipster Thai drug, Qat. Probably. So he's set up a site which sells pixels, in order to pay for a wedding. I urge you to go now, and look at this site. I'm already on there - join me! If you purchase over $400 worth, you even get an invite to the wedding, which means you can shout things like, "Lies! All lies!" when the vicar asks if anyone doth protest. We share much of the same genetic code so you may even enjoy the blog.

Get up on this.

PS. We're not Jews, I swear!!

No, that wasn't my response when asked if I'd partake in a cancer research fun run, it was actually what Paul Weller said when the Brit Award organisers suggested he perform a duet with James Blunt.

Nice one, Mr Weller. But remember, you lot: there's no "I'm undergoing chemotherapy" in team, so stop being so selfish.

 Britney in previous life...I ain't sayin' nuuuuuuuuthin!

It's been confirmed! Brit Brit Spears is officially a mongrel! A dog! A bitch - whatever lame pun you wish to make about her being a lowly canine, it's true.

Ok, some clarification might be in order. Burtney, as they call her back home, used to be a sheepdog. She learnt this at a reincarnation session with a psychic Hindu. An insider reckons she even had flashbacks to when she was a dawg.

You just know that K-Fed will totally be into this shit.

You can count all the classy tattoos in the world on a clenched fist, and Lindsay Lohan has gone and added herself to the list of the unwashed masses. She's had the word BREATHE scribed onto her bullimia-ravaged body, reportedly as a tribute to the asthma attack that landed her in hospital just a few weeks ago.

A friend of the actress said: "It obviously has a double meaning. It's abou the attack but also a reminder to slow down and enjoy life."

This got me thinking...if I had epilepsy, I could do a LoHo and have IF I'M BLUE AND DON'T FIT THEN I'M DEAD tattooed onto me...manic-depression: CUT HERE...retardation: SAY NO TO SPAZZING....my train of thought just derailed...

When Lo-Ho and Blow par-tayed at NYC club The Dark Room recently, naughty Lindsay scribed a rude message on a toilet wall.

She was prolly pretty high, so it's kinda hard to read, but it's thought the scrawl said: "Scarlett is a bloody c*nt." As in the word that rhymes with James Blunt? Y'know, the one mummy used to yell at daddy before he runned away with that mean lady.

Anyway, she was obviously talking about Scarlett Johansson. Don't you know anything?

Jordan can be seen on the front cover of OK! magazine this week with her severely disabled son Harvey, proclaiming to the world, "Doctors said Harvey will probably die because his heart can't take it."

Now, I may not have the most finely tuned moral compass in the world, but something tells me it's wrong to make money off the back of a dying kid.

She may like to huff paint thinner to get her jollies,but Kate Moss ain't no fool. That's why she's just signed a $1.8million deal to write her autobiography. Or to sit atop a velvetine futon and tell some heathen what to write, anyway. The model was convinced by mogul Richard Branson to tell all and he is going to assist the project.

A spokesperson for the Virgin boss said: "Richard and Kate have agreed to bring out her autobiography. It's a chance for her to put across her side of the story."

It sure beats sitting in rehab with safety scissors and lemon cookies, don't it.

She's starred in her own jazz film and been in countless nekkid photo shoots, but now Paris Hilton has said "No!" to posing in Playboy.

She said: "They've asked me a million times. Hef has been after me since I was 17, and I got offered a lot of money.

"I'll never do it. Why? Because I'm Paris Hilton."

Everyone and their retarded cousin has seen Paris and most of her internal organs. She may as well get paid for this shit!

Just the other week Paris unknowingly gave a golden shower to a taxi and her mom wore a see-through top whilst out partying with daughter Nicky. What would it take to become the black sheep of that family? By not catching STDs probably. Daddy Hilton would be all, "If you haven't got crabs you're not sleeping under this roof young lady."