The 19-year-old actress has said the Simple Life stars are not really her friends, despite being snapped out on the razz with the girls on several occasions.

She said she hadn’t talked to Nicole Richie ‘in a while’ and denied being best buddies with Paris Hilton saying: ‘I’m acquaintances with these people, I’m not friends with all these people.

‘I don’t necessarily know things about their lives.’

The shrinking star was photographed chumming around with Nicole Richie last summer, sparking rumours she had an eating disorder.

Oh come on. They all love South American snow, why don't they just learn to get along?

He looks like a registered sex offender and talks like a kid with Down's Syndrome. You got it, K-Fag has updated his Myspace profile with this:

whats up everone. check out this little shit i did wit game.. come download the fuck outta this.
kevin federline. thats whats up

Seriously, he sounds special-needsy. Or "Ingredient D" as we call disabes in this house.

Girls Aloud star Nadine Coyle reportedly bumped into Jesse Metcalfe at the plush Four Season’s hotel in Sydney, Australia. The on-screen gardener was attending a ball and the singer is promoting the girls' next album, Chemistry.

The pair were then seen staring into each other’s eyes over dinner a few days later.

A friend of Jesse’s said: ‘He was immediately taken with Nadine when he saw her. She’s a very pretty girl and he also loved her Irish accent.

‘They went on a date on Friday and got on brilliantly. There is an incredible chemistry between them and they’re already planning their next date.’

This is actually a pretty boring story and I only have two things to say about it. A) I swear he's a shit stabber and B) she is a blantant publicity whore. It's Monday and I hate Mondays and there's nothing interesting happening in the world. Maybe I will go and sing Throw The Jew Down The Well with some Arabs. You'd like that wouldn't you, you twat?

...which is why so many prostitutes turn to eating sick and smoking crack. They get competeitve over their kerb crawler territory and start trying to cough AIDs into each others' faces, so as to lessen their rivalry and refine the slut gene pool. I think that's what Darwin said anyway...

My point is that Mischa Barton has started a whore war with a certain Hilton:‘Paris isn’t my rival. I met her once or two times and she’s making out there’s this big rivalry between us and there so isn’t. She seems to hate everyone around her age who is more successful. Silly bitch.’

Paris has "sniped" back: 'I don’t even know the girl. I could care less. It seems like she’s the one trying to stir up a rivalry. I’ve never said a word about her in my life. But she seems to be spending a lot of time thinking about me.’

Have you seen the new Stevie Wonder video? Neither has he. Have you seen the new Pink video? I bet you have, because watching MTV is the only way you can stare at half-nekkid young women without breaking the conditions of your parole and being put on the register for another five years.

Anyway, my point is that this vid (let alone the song) is a big puddle of steaming piss that will go down in history with Date Movie and Scary Movie 2 as being some of the worst and most heavily mis-calcualted pieces of satire ever made. Pink mocks Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson et al, but renders her arguement completely contradictory by whipping her own shit out. And believe me, no one wants to see that shit, not even rapists like I was joshing at the start of this post. She just looks kind of fat and butch. Just put on some make-up and stop trying to be a dyke. She's also seen in the gym in a "Die hipster scum" t-shirt. Oh yeah, like "Get the party started" and every other song she's ever made weren't hipster! Urgh, whatever. 

K-Fed reckons he can’t be as bad as he’s made out, as Brit would never tolerate it.

'He hates his children, he treats his wife like dirt, he gets high all day,’ Kev said. Eh? Who?

‘If I was that bad, you think anyone, let alone Britney, would put up with it?' he added (that’s Kevin, by the way). Hell yeah she would! Bitch is dumb as dirt and she likes being shacked up with Captain Gonorrhea.

Kev reckons that even though he’s collaborated with Brit on a few tracks, those won’t be the ones on his debut album.

'We have collaborated. But I'm not going to put the songs on this album because it's like, "Respect me first; then I'll show you what I've done with my wife.'''

Here's Paris Hilton on, like, herself:

"I like to see myself in magazines looking good. I don’t read anything – I just get them to look at my outfits. I want to see if I look cute or not. I’m too lazy. I only flip through and look at me. I’m not interested in anyone else."

Rapper Cam'Ron is going to catch a load of paedo's on the hunt for some jailbait lovin', by setting them up on the net:

"I saw a special that MSNBC had done one time on [adults] on the Internet thinking they're talking to 13- or 14-year-olds.  We set up a similar situation where we are videotaping people thinking they're gonna meet little kids," he added. When they get there, it's gonna be me and [my manger] Big Joe like, 'What the hell are you doing, you damn pervert? What the fuck is wrong with you, coming to meet a 13-year-old boy?' We're gonna talk to them and not let them leave until we find out what's wrong with them."

Anyway, I have to go now, as I'm meeting Gary Glitter down at the park in my school uniform.

You wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of Paris Hilton's affections, and not just because you'd catch about 50 incurable STDs. The saucy Simple Life star apparently doesn't know how to take no for an answer.

Footballer Frank Lampard caught her eye in the VIP section of the Warner Records post-Brits bash, so she sent her minder over with her number. Sadly Frank, who's happily engaged, wasn't interested.

The persistent millionaires then followed her target to the EMI bash at the Baglioni Hotel where she started ‘dirty-dancing, really obviously trying to catch his eye’. Frank then scarpered, but disbelieving Miss Hilton sent her security after him!

Take the hint, you man-rapist! Luckily, Sam Branson swung into view and Frank was fast forgotten. A source says, ‘They were getting very close. Frank was forgotten. She was smitten with Sam.’

Pop princess Britney Spears has confirmed her royal status by claiming the press hound her like Princess Diana.

Speaking about son Sean Preston, Britney said, ‘I don't really go out with him and it's kind of sad because I can't even walk down the street with the stroller.’

‘This is how Princess Diana got killed. I'm not expecting people to pity me. I'm just telling the truth.’

On a lighter note, Brit’s revealed she’ll swap the trailer park for the gym soon in a bid to relaunch her pop career. The new mum said, ‘I miss the road, seeing different places and being with the dancers and having fun’.

Not before time either. The Queen of Mini-Marts reckons pop’s got stale without her. ‘It's a huge lull. It's been boring, nothing's been 'wow' to me.’

Burtney-Bawb also hit back at the people who take the piss outta her stankin' trailor park ass. Not me, I ain't no bully. "It does affect you to a certain extent. It has to. I don't take myself so seriously, but when you've been poked at and poked at, there's going to come a time when you're going to snap."

Ah'm sorry, Burt. Ah'ma stop pokin' at you. Until you hurt SPF again, and then I'll have something to poke you about, you little prick.