Radioactively tanned and stick thin Victoria Beckham has been giving BBF Katie Holmes tips on how to shed her baby weight.

A friend said: ‘Victoria and Katie are really good friends, and Posh knows just how to get back into shape after having a baby.

‘She got her figure back within weeks of giving birth to Cruz. So Katie thought Victoria was the perfect person to ask about shifting her baby weight.’

Everyone in the whole world has heard that the Jolie-Pitt baby has been spawned...except North Korea where everything is banned. Anyway, the baby has been given the cracked out name of Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. Nouvel is French, obviously, meaning "new". Shiloh is a Hebrew name meaning "anti-Christ", or "wicked one". Jolie-Pitt means "pretty bastard".

Oh and Gwen Stefani had a baby boy called Kingston, but no one cares about that.

Linds was seen giving Stavros Niarchos a mauling two weeks ago, and then again the other night.

But Paris doesn't give a toss. Bitch is having it large in Cannes.

According to The Mirror, Britney returned from New York to find Kevin drinking and smoking weed in the house – and has banished him to live in the basement of their pad.

Sources have said Britney wanted to save their marriage for the sake of their second child, but things have just got too bad.

‘She wanted to wait but their relationship has become so hostile she just doesn’t see how she can make it work,’ a source said.

Matters have been given more credence by the fact that Brit’s publicist hasn’t denied the claims. Heavy.

Beyoncé lost weight to play a singer in a 60s soul band in new film Dreamgirls [definite turkey].

To lose weight for the role, bitch literally starved herself: ‘It was so difficult, I was starving for six months but I made it through,’ she said.

‘I fasted. I literally fasted. I drank a drink that gave me all the vitamins I needed and I didn’t eat for 14 days and then I just drank protein shakes. It was hard, I felt weak, but I did it.

‘Losing the weight in the film was my idea. I wanted to go all the way.

‘It wasn’t healthy though. I didn’t look like me at all in the film, which was the point. But immediately the next day I ate fried chicken, fried fish, French fries – anything fried – and the weight started to come on really fast and easy.’

The poem begins: ‘No more chains/That you gave me./Enough of pain/Now I’m craving/Something sweet, so delight/How do you stand sleeping at night?’ Which doesn’t sound good.

And it doesn’t get any better from there. Another verse says: ‘The guilt you fed me/Made me weak./The voodoo you did/I couldn’t speak.’

But she gives a word to the wise to whoever it might be who’s bringing her down: ‘My crown is back/And it’s way too high/For you to be in my presence/Especially my son/You should bow down/I’ve only just begun.’

Bizarrely, the ditty was taken down after a few hours on her website. She really thinks she's Harold bloody Pinter, doesn't she....

Jessica Simpson is sick of being single. It's hardly cancer but she's still upset.

The big toothed one reportedly declared to a friend in the lobby of a New York hotel: ‘I’m tired of being alone. I have no one to come home to, no one to call at the end of the night.

‘I’m travelling all over the place by myself. When I was with Nick, I had someone who understood what I was going through.’

American Life and Style mag reckons that friends of the ex-couple want the couple to give their marriage another go. There’s obviously still feelings there – when Jess heard a pilot Nick had made wouldn’t be commissioned, she sent him an orchid an a basket of biscuits.

Ange has flown her obstetrician to Namibia, and has decided that if she doesn’t give birth naturally before June 3, she will have her baby induced.

A source close to the couple said: ‘Doctors who have examined Angie say she should have a normal delivery with no complications.’

A local doctor said: ‘She’s in great physical and mental shape. I don’t think there’s going to be a problem with the baby or the mother.’

Apparently, one of the rooms at the resort where they are staying has been turned into a delivery room in preparation for the birth.

Wouldn't it be great if Jennifer was voodooing Angelina? Especially as she's in Africa, it's just so appropriate...they invented it, don't you know.

In America’s Most Hated, Kevin goes on about the two things he’s liking most about life at the moment – money and weed.

He raps: ‘I live like a King, I was extra stoned…This marijuana got me heavily sedated…I’m Kevin Federline, America’s most hated.’ Er, nice rhyme Kev.

He goes on: ‘All these model chicks wanna do me… I got 50 mil, I can do whatever I want.’