Twenty-one year old, unmarried Charlotte Church has given birth to - what else - a baby. The baby is six pounds, female and Welsh. Hilarious as ever, Charlotte is playing hokey with the press and refuses to tell them what the baby's been called. Bound to be Aled or Rhodri or such like.

Britney is a quiche lorraine short of a picnic basket. Her ex-bodyguard has spoken to the News of the World about all the crazy shit she gets up to. Other people are saying it's also his testimony in court and has gone unchallenged by Britney's people. Yesterday's NotW report was basically enough to constitute a 400-odd page novel but there's a nice little edit here. The tabloid attitude to it is all like, "Afghana-what? Britney talking to a plant is heaps more important!" Which is obviously true. 

Hollywood wild child Lindsay Lohan has reportedly turned over a new leaf, according to her father Michael. He says the Mean Girls actress has taking up gardening in rehab, where she is addressing drug and alcohol addictions, and she also helps with the Cirque Lodge centre’s horses. He explained, "Lindsay laughed with excitement as she told me how she spends her days. She spends hours writing songs about what she has been through. And she helps look after the horses. Every day she helps muck them out, feed them and ride them. She has taken up gardening and loved showing me the roses she helps look after."

US reports suggest that Jennifer Lopez is expecting her first child, and it could even be twins. Insiders say that the star is about twelve weeks pregnant and is due to give birth in the spring. Jennifer has made no secret of her desire to start a family with her husband, Marc Anthony, who already has three children from previous relationships.

Britney Spears has managed to retain custody of her two young sons, but must undergo random drug and alcohol tests and take parenting classes, along with her ex, Kevin Federline. The warring exes currently share 50/50 custody of Sean Preston, two, and Jayden James, one, but K-Fed had been seeking greater access. Jude Scott Gordon said he wanted to investigate the pop princess’ alleged, "habitual, frequent, and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol" and he also ruled that, "each party is restrained from making derogatory remarks about the other party and the other party's family or significant other” and, "Neither party shall consume alcohol or other non-************-controlled substance during or for 12 hours immediately preceding any period such party is responsible for the health and safety of the minor children."

Colin Farrell showed his philanthropic side when he spent £1000 taking a homeless man on a shopping spree in Toronto. The Miami Vice star reportedly told staff at the Europe Bound Travel Outfitters, “Get him anything he wants. Whatever he needs.” Store manager Dave Mott described how Colin and the man, known as ‘Stress’ picked out a sleeping bag and rucksack, “It was like they were best buddies. The homeless guy was going around, grabbing stuff. Everything was top line.” Farrell is in the Canadian city to promote his latest film, the Woody Allen-directed Cassandra’s Dream.

"[Whilst crying] Oh my God, I looked like a fat pig! I looked like a fat pig!"

"I watched the film that Vin diesel starred in as a male nanny [The Pacifier] and just loved it and thought that men can be just as good a nanny as a woman. I wouldn't mind having a man as a nanny." Only 'cos she wouldn't have to worry about David rogering him. Actually, I bet he's into "that" too. She also said, "I really do not want my boys losing their accents. While I love it here in the States, we are not Americans and I want my boys to keep their British accents and roots. It would be unthinkable for them to lose it." Essex all the way, m'darlin'!

Ding dong, the witch is dead. That ol' dirty bastard Britney is going to need a cocaine binge after this one. She cacked up her "big comeback" a real good'un. Even that gay, Perez Hilton, says so: "She blew it. Everyone knows Britney lip-synchs, but that's because she dances so much. She barely even danced in this. It was so bad. It was painful. It was embarassing. And I loved it!" See the rusty train career across the track here.

Supposedly MTV ordered her not to go out, but to stay in and rehearse. Didn't work! Here she is with a repulsed P Diddy at Pure on Friday night. Love her Aryan blue contact lenses. Bet they would go down a treat back home with the klan back in Hicksville.