The controversial Fathers4Justice are at the centre of a new scandal, after it's come to light that the more extreme members of their group had made rough plans to kidnap Leo Blair for their next publicity stunt. No arrests have been made, but police are investigating the allegations.

If they had managed to kidnap 5-year-old Leo, wouldn't it have kind of, maybe, I don't know - diffused their arguement just a tad? The group's whole raison d'etre is supposed to be all about the welfare of children, and this little shambles has just proven what idiots they really are.

No, I'm not being racial, there really is another Brown baby on the way (the secret is in the capitalisation). Gordan "facial tic" Brown impregnated his wife Sarah with a fetus about two months ago, and she will spawn it during the sweltering month of July. Lucky her.

Gordan will become a daddy again at the ripe ol' age of 54, and is said to be "absolutely delighted".

But he's now tae pished to get any actual parliamentary work done. Shame.

Charles Kennedy failed to show up to Prime Minister's Questions today.

He was too pished.

So, the wretched bird flu is spreading in Turkey, the irony of which is, frankly, annihilating.

Another five cases have been confimed, but the bloody disease has yet to mutate into a form which can spread between humans.

Anyone else up for putting themsleves in a poly-bag and throwing themselves off Beachy Head?

Except, they have wardens now.

Bugger. The gas oven it is then.

A Superdome situation could be a-foot in Hertfordshire tonight, with evacuated residents possibly engaging in a night of anarchistic rape and homicide.

The London town has been rocked by a series of large blasts at an oil depot. A fire - the size of four football pitches and hundreds of feet high - is continuing to blaze at the site, sending black smoke drifting across south-east England. The incident is said to be the largest of its kind in peace-time Europe and the blast could be heard as far away as Holland.

Playing wank word bingo with rolling news channels has always been the silver lining to any disaster's (toxic) cloud. 'Dramatic' is the buzz-word of the oil-burning day, with over-zealous newsreaders using it a good 30 times per hour, whilst wringing their hands in glee at such a suggestible story.

They have excitedly reiterated throughout the day that the incident is not thought to be terrorist related. Boy, wouldn't they love it if it was? If it is you Osama, we are (humanely) coming after your ass!

Newly appointed Tory leader Davis Cameron is said to have mouthed to his wife 'I love you,' as he was told of his supremacy. Are they sure he wasn't just saying 'colourful'?

Foppish Conservative MP Boris Johnson has been appointed Shadow Minister for Higher Education. The Member of Parliament for Henley-on-Thames followed the announcement by resigning from his job as editor of the Spectator. Johnson served as Shadow Arts Minister under Michael Howard but was later sacked from the post. Putting the finishing touches to his Shadow Cabinet, new Tory leader David Cameron also named Stephen O'Brien as Shadow Minister for Health and Owen Paterson as Shadow Transport Minister. John Hayes was made Shadow Minister for Vocational Education. Let's hope blondie can keep his snake in his cage nowadays.

Veteran Labour MP Dennis Skinner has been thrown out of the Commons after accusing Shadow Chancellor George Osborne of cocaine use. As he complained about the state of the economy under Tory governments of the 1980s, Mr Skinner, MP for Bolsover, said: "The only thing that was growing then were the lines of coke in front of boy George and the rest of the Tories."

Speaker Michael Martin demanded he withdraw his accusation but the MP hit back: "That was in the News of the World and you know it."

Mr Skinner refused to take back his comment saying: "No, I'm not withdrawing it ... it's true", at which the Speaker said he must either do so or leave the chamber.

"I order you to leave the chamber," he eventually said, before officially "naming" the MP.

Meanwhile, David Cameron has wowed the country by giving Tony Blair as good as he got. Come one you blues! 

Britain's police have been asked to investigate allegations that the CIA used British airports to secret jails in other countries to be tortured. Liberty, a human rights group, wants action within the next 14 days - or it will go to court claiming police aided and abetted kidnap with torture.

The US has so far failed to confirm or deny the existence of secret prisons, suspected to be in countries where limitations on torure do not apply, although it has said its laws have not been broken. The Foreign Office has said it has no evidence of such use of UK territory.

Britain's right-wing press is hysterical with rage this morning as the Lord Chief Justice has said teenage muggers should not face jail - as long as they do not attack their victims too badly. Juvenile criminals should be given community penalties rather than prison if they only use 'minimal force', according to the Sentencing Guidelines Council.

Politicians and victim support groups have angrily spoken out against the proposal. They claim the justice system is soft on criminals already, and that the scheme will only exacerbate the growing problem.

Even if no physical violence is involved, victims of mugging are left traumatised. But Labour doesn't care about that. The current prison population is at an all-time high; Tony Blair is bound to let any policy that deals with that into the public domain. The social decay seen under Labour has surpassed imagination. Unlawful behaviour and moral decrepitude are seemingly incentivised, leaving the next generation a savage and embittered entity, disillusioned and funded by an unhealthy government.

The Royal Marines, Brtain's toughest fighting unit, are forced into sadistic rituals including naked wrestling, a secret film has shown. The footage, which also showed recruits being violently abused by a drunken superior, has led to a Ministry of Defence investigation.

The crude initiation ceremony begins with a group of men stood in a field. Two are made to fight each other while the others goad them on. When one is knocked to the ground, one superior - dressed in a 'hilarious' blue surgeon's outfit - kicks him unconscious. The man who shot the secret footage claims the recruit was almost killed, such was the severity of the kick. Another superior shown is dressed as a schoolgirl. It is alleged that the film was shot in May at Bickleigh Barracks, near Plymouth.

It is said that behaviour of this kind is the mere tip of the iceberg, and that officials casually turn a blind eye to it. The problem is exacerbated when drink is involved. The whistleblower is an Iraq and Afghanistan veteran - yet insists that these incidents are the worst thing he has seen.

The man also claims that soldiers have suffered torture, including electric shocks to their genitals and being forced to crawl naked through thorns. Others were ordered to jump from bedroom windows, some even breaking their legs.

Many soldiers have been quick to confirm the behaviour is common. One recruit claimed that they love to carry out the homo-erotic brutality in order to let off steam. No wonder no one wants to join up any more. With exposes such as the this, and the tragic case of Deepcut, the Army needs to be strict about self-regulation and stamp out this perverse and damaging abuse.