Serious Stuff. Like politics and things

Leo Blair Kidnap Threat

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 13:28:33 +0000

The controversial Fathers4Justice are at the centre of a new scandal, after it's come to light that the more extreme members of their group had made rough plans to kidnap Leo Blair for their next publicity stunt. No arrests have been made, but police are investigating the allegations.

If they had managed to kidnap 5-year-old Leo, wouldn't it have kind of, maybe, I don't know - diffused their arguement just a tad? The group's whole raison d'etre is supposed to be all about the welfare of children, and this little shambles has just proven what idiots they really are.

Brown Baby!

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 15:38:15 +0000

No, I'm not being racial, there really is another Brown baby on the way (the secret is in the capitalisation). Gordan "facial tic" Brown impregnated his wife Sarah with a fetus about two months ago, and she will spawn it during the sweltering month of July. Lucky her.

Gordan will become a daddy again at the ripe ol' age of 54, and is said to be "absolutely delighted".

But he's now tae pished to get any actual parliamentary work done. Shame.

Flunky Drunky No Show

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 12:30:18 +0000

Charles Kennedy failed to show up to Prime Minister's Questions today.

He was too pished.

Bird Flu Spreads In Turkey

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 21:07:39 +0000

So, the wretched bird flu is spreading in Turkey, the irony of which is, frankly, annihilating.

Another five cases have been confimed, but the bloody disease has yet to mutate into a form which can spread between humans.

Anyone else up for putting themsleves in a poly-bag and throwing themselves off Beachy Head?

Except, they have wardens now.

Bugger. The gas oven it is then.

Ka-Boom!

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 20:07:48 +0000

A Superdome situation could be a-foot in Hertfordshire tonight, with evacuated residents possibly engaging in a night of anarchistic rape and homicide.

The London town has been rocked by a series of large blasts at an oil depot. A fire - the size of four football pitches and hundreds of feet high - is continuing to blaze at the site, sending black smoke drifting across south-east England. The incident is said to be the largest of its kind in peace-time Europe and the blast could be heard as far away as Holland.

Playing wank word bingo with rolling news channels has always been the silver lining to any disaster's (toxic) cloud. 'Dramatic' is the buzz-word of the oil-burning day, with over-zealous newsreaders using it a good 30 times per hour, whilst wringing their hands in glee at such a suggestible story.

They have excitedly reiterated throughout the day that the incident is not thought to be terrorist related. Boy, wouldn't they love it if it was? If it is you Osama, we are (humanely) coming after your ass!

Cameron: 'I Love You'?

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 18:07:07 +0000

Newly appointed Tory leader Davis Cameron is said to have mouthed to his wife 'I love you,' as he was told of his supremacy. Are they sure he wasn't just saying 'colourful'?

Boris Back On Front Bench!

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 20:40:05 +0000

Foppish Conservative MP Boris Johnson has been appointed Shadow Minister for Higher Education. The Member of Parliament for Henley-on-Thames followed the announcement by resigning from his job as editor of the Spectator. Johnson served as Shadow Arts Minister under Michael Howard but was later sacked from the post. Putting the finishing touches to his Shadow Cabinet, new Tory leader David Cameron also named Stephen O'Brien as Shadow Minister for Health and Owen Paterson as Shadow Transport Minister. John Hayes was made Shadow Minister for Vocational Education. Let's hope blondie can keep his snake in his cage nowadays.

MP Ordered From Commons For Cocaine Jibe

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 16:03:43 +0000

Veteran Labour MP Dennis Skinner has been thrown out of the Commons after accusing Shadow Chancellor George Osborne of cocaine use. As he complained about the state of the economy under Tory governments of the 1980s, Mr Skinner, MP for Bolsover, said: "The only thing that was growing then were the lines of coke in front of boy George and the rest of the Tories."

Speaker Michael Martin demanded he withdraw his accusation but the MP hit back: "That was in the News of the World and you know it."

Mr Skinner refused to take back his comment saying: "No, I'm not withdrawing it ... it's true", at which the Speaker said he must either do so or leave the chamber.

"I order you to leave the chamber," he eventually said, before officially "naming" the MP.

Meanwhile, David Cameron has wowed the country by giving Tony Blair as good as he got. Come one you blues!

'British Airports Used To Transport Terror Suspects'

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 18:10:18 +0000

Britain's police have been asked to investigate allegations that the CIA used British airports to secret jails in other countries to be tortured. Liberty, a human rights group, wants action within the next 14 days - or it will go to court claiming police aided and abetted kidnap with torture.

The US has so far failed to confirm or deny the existence of secret prisons, suspected to be in countries where limitations on torure do not apply, although it has said its laws have not been broken. The Foreign Office has said it has no evidence of such use of UK territory.

'Muggers Shouldn't Go To Jail'

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 14:21:53 +0000

Britain's right-wing press is hysterical with rage this morning as the Lord Chief Justice has said teenage muggers should not face jail - as long as they do not attack their victims too badly. Juvenile criminals should be given community penalties rather than prison if they only use 'minimal force', according to the Sentencing Guidelines Council.

Politicians and victim support groups have angrily spoken out against the proposal. They claim the justice system is soft on criminals already, and that the scheme will only exacerbate the growing problem.

Even if no physical violence is involved, victims of mugging are left traumatised. But Labour doesn't care about that. The current prison population is at an all-time high; Tony Blair is bound to let any policy that deals with that into the public domain. The social decay seen under Labour has surpassed imagination. Unlawful behaviour and moral decrepitude are seemingly incentivised, leaving the next generation a savage and embittered entity, disillusioned and funded by an unhealthy government.